Wednesday, 22 April 2009
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Currently
Wreck of the Day
By Anna Nalick
In The Rough
see relatedWrite a letter to my love...
Dear J,
What would you think if I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend like he and I have planned? Would you even care? Do you care now? I'd love to be able to just ask you these questions freely without feeling embarrassed, without being scared. I know I told you over dinner that I'm a virgin, but what if the next time you and I go to dinner, I'm not? Would that change your opinion of me? Or would you just accept that it was my decision and blow it off? Would things change between us?
Remember yesterday when you asked me what was wrong? I was thinking about this situation. You can always tell when I have a lot on my mind. You're so intuitive and I love it. I told you it wasn't something I could talk about though I would've liked to. I would love to talk to you about it. I would love to talk to you about anything. I feel like I can open up to you, but I'm still terrified. You say you're there if I need someone to talk to, you smile sweetly, and I'm a puddle on the floor. You stand behind me with your hands holding my waist or massaging my shoulders. God, I love your hands. They're always so warm. I love how we don't exactly hold hands; it's more like our hands brush and you grab one of my fingers for just a few seconds longer. Except for that one time; I'm sure you remember that. I wasn't trying to hold your hand; you initiated that, I just followed in suit. But there's nothing going on between us. We're just friends. Right?
So tell me, J, if I gave it up to my ex-boyfriend, would it bother you? I know you and I have talked about our most recent relationships. You know he was mine and it ended 2 years ago. But what you don't know about is the burning desire we physically have for each other. This flame needs to be doused now. See, my ex and I will hook up, sometime, somewhere, somehow. It's inevitable. Would you rather I do that now than screw up and hurt you in the future if we become closer?
Oh, I dream about that daily. I just let me imagination run wild. You and I walking around with our fingers intertwined, noticing nobody, not a care in the world, laughing at each other. Or just spending a Friday night curled up on the couch watching a movie or reading books, hardly speaking to the other person, but just basking in their presence. I haven't felt this good about somebody in a long time. It's quite nice, actually. I was very much in love with my ex-boyfriend, and he and I are still great friends, but you make me forget him entirely. How do you do that? Nobody else has ever been able to take him off my mind until now.
But that's it, J. That's what's on my mind. Perhaps I should print this up and hand it to you. Then disappear. Never face you again. I could never look you in the eyes, not that I can anyhow. I suppose I'll just wait until perhaps I catch a break.
Much love and longing,
A
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