Like tonight for example. The guy I mentioned in my previous blog agreed to see a movie with me tonight when he got off work. I texted him telling him different movie times but I didn't hear back from him. I decided, in the mean time, to meet up with a girl friend of mine. We shared a lite meal, talked, as I waited to hear from him. 10:30 rolled around, then 11, then 11:30. I had already called him and left him one text message. By 11:15, I knew I wouldn't hear from him and I had wasted my time. I left the restaurant around 11:30 and just went driving around trying to clear my head. My girl friend and I began to text; she was appalled that he would blow me off so many times. She had thought he was a much different guy than that, to which I agreed.
Then she informed me that she sent him a text telling him to stop jerking me around and be straightforward. My mouth dropped; I didn't know what to think. I was instantly embarassed and it was only me in the car. Then I get a call from him. He had been waiting for me at the movie theater. He forgot his phone at his house. I was...dumbstruck. I stumbled through my words, probably sounding like a bumbling idiot. I think all I could really say was "oh shit...shit...I feel like an asshole." I asked if he read any of the text messages and he said he skimmed through them. One saying something about him being a jerk. I apologized for that and expected...I don't know what I expected. But I sure as hell did not expect him to simply reply "no, I understand she was just being a good friend." What the hell? He wasn't mad? He didn't search out some sort of clarity? Why?! Perhaps I secretly wanted him to get angry at me so I could find an excuse to get over him...
Anyhow, we agreed to go out after work tomorrow night (we are both working) and we said good night. I immediately called my friend. We both felt so terrible. Open mouth; insert foot. When I got off the phone with her, I started thinking, why wait until you see him face to face to tell him how you feel? It won't make anything easier. It took me about 10 minutes to push the send button to call him back. I stumbled through asking if he had a minute to talk before going to bed. Then I believe I said something along the lines of "have you noticed anything completely obvious about me?" He said no. That he is more oblivious than a lot of people think he is. I told him I wasn't sure if it was completely obvious to everyone or if I just thought it was because it was screaming at me. He was still quite confused by these statements so that's when I clarified.
"I...[insert long pause here]...I like you a whole lot more than I intended," I said.
Then I froze. I closed my eyes, but then quickly opened them because I remembered I was driving down the interstate. He said it was something he guessed but wasn't exactly sure. He continued saying something along the lines of he likes me (the "like" was never clarified) but he is taking things extremely slow right now. He was in a relationship for a year and a half and it has not yet been over for a year. He continued to tell me about some issues he is having with his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. I tripped and stumbled over my words as I told him I completely concur with taking things slow. I mentioned how I did whatever I possibly could to keep my ex-boyfriend but that it was all in vain and in the end, I feel like a fool. I even mentioned how terrified I was of the idea. I said that he has no idea how much it scares me. He said that he does have a very good idea.
In the end, this won't go anywhere any time soon and I don't know whether to be upset or relieved. I feel like I'm a winner at a losing game. I know it's rather cliche to quote a Rascal Flatts song but it's a good line.
When I hung up, I didn't know whether I should cry or be angry. I eventually got angry. I beat on the steering wheel, screamed obscenties at the windshield. I started thinking about my ex and how everything, ever decision I have made since he and I broke up, he has influenced somehow. "What would he do? How would he handle this? Would he want me to do that? What would he think of me?" That's when I got angry. His best friend and I discussed our previous relationship a couple of days ago. She believes that he treated me like shit. I have never wanted to think that. I always blamed myself. I have blamed myself for many things. I will find some way for it to be my fault. I have never wanted to be one of those people who blamed everyone else for their problems, so I never learned where the blame really lies. I just blamed myself. Maybe this time the blame does not rely in me. Perhaps I have been wrongfully blaming myself for the failure of my last relationship.
I am tired of him being inside of my head. I want to be able to think for myself. I want to go places without see his face, without reliving a memory, without thinking about him. I want to own my own mind again. I want to regain control of what is mine. I am no longer in love with him so what am I holding onto? Am I afraid that I cannot stand alone without him?
I will. Watch me. I'm tired of hiding in the shadows, being afraid of my own feelings, being afraid to let someone else see me. I'm tired of running away from the memories. It is time to take back what is mine.
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