Thursday, 26 February 2009

• Scaredy-cat

  For the past year and a half or so, I have been single. I was okay with it for the most part; I was getting over my previous relationship and learning to accept the fact that it was over, which, let me tell you, was not easy at all. Many of you know that getting over your first love doesn't just happen over night. I turned myself into this cold, apathetic, and slightly bitchy female to help myself heal. I was very anti-relationship, feminist, sexist, whatever. When I realized I was finally over it, I decided I wanted to be more feeling and caring. I wanted to be the empathetic person I used to be. I wanted to be able to feel again. I believed I had been single long enough that if I got into a relationship or stayed single I would still be happy. Yet, I did not search out an SO.
  
  Then I met someone. He was hired at my place of employment. When I first met him, I thought he was very attractive, but thought nothing of him at all. I automatically assumed he was just another guy. In fact, I didn't go out of my way to get to know him or flirt with him (I'm a very flirty person) or even strike up conversation with him. But as it usually happens when you work at a small location, you begin to get to know those in your environment. He and I began to have casual conversations, help each other out around the workplace and whatnot. Then something happened. Our first real conversation together was more than just talking about the weather or sharing a funny story or talking about the latest movie in theaters. Our first real conversation was somewhat intellectual. Granted, we weren't discussing any Freudian theories; we were just discussing what we wanted to do with our lives, what we were studying in college, what kind of books we liked to read. I learned that this guy was actually quite intelligent. He hit the red zone on my hotness radar. I already found him to be extremely physically attractive with his unruly dark hair and mesmerizing blue eyes. But here is a guy who is not afraid to admit that he is a bookworm. And the more conversations we had, the more we found we had in common.
  
  That's where my dilemma begins. I have found myself falling for this guy that I have barely known for two months. Now, falling in love (if this is love) is not a bad thing, but I have realized how utterly terrified I am of the idea. It is almost unthinkable. Every time I see him, my stomach flutters and my heart rate quickens. My hands get cold and clammy and I become much more clumsy than I already am. I can't tell how he feels about me. I have never been good at picking up "signals" from people. I don't take "subtle hints." I need the truth right in front of my face.
  
  Here are a few examples of how he acts towards me:
  Whenever he sees me, he comes to me (whether going out of his way or not) and gives me a hug. (I know, a lot of people hug)
  A time or two, he has walked up behind me and grabbed my waist before "casually" wrapping his arms around me.
  I catch him watching me but he quickly looks away when I meet his gaze.
  Occasionally when we pass one another, his hand brushes gently against mine. (That could be mere coincidence)
  He won't leave the workplace without telling me goodbye and giving me a hug (which is generally much longer than the greeting hug)
  
  A girl friend of mine who has actually known him much longer than I have told me I would be crazy not to date him if given the opportunity. I can see that for myself. But he has said nothing and I feel as though I've given him opportunity to say something. Or perhaps he's waiting for me. The other night at work, we were sitting at a table talking. Now, I have the hardest time looking into his blue eyes for very long because I have a weakness for beautiful eyes and I don't want to become vulnerable. He was telling him how exhausted he was feeling and put his head down for a moment. I just stared at him, not quite sure what to say or even what I was thinking. When he looked up, he caught that gaze and held it, and I could feel so much in one moment that it was overwhelming. He saw something behind my eyes. He asked me what the look was for. I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. I quickly reverted to staring out the window into the night, saying that it was nothing. Just like a scene from the silver screen, he reached over and, with one finger touching my nose, turned my face back towards his and told me I was lying.
  
  "I'm a good liar so I can tell when someone else is lying," he said.
  "I only lie when it's absolutely necessary," I replied.
  
  That was one of those moments. And he had me in the palm of his hand. I was about to spill my feelings when my boss walked over and asked to speak to me. That killed it. He walked me to my car later that night but he never brought it up and neither did I. I'm terrified. I want him to make the first move; I want him to say something first. I don't have the courage. I'm so afraid that he will also tell me 'no, we're just friends.' I put my heart and my feelings on a shelf after my last relationship ended. I was in love with my ex-boyfriend and I fought to keep him, but he rejected me. It killed my ego and my courage. Now I feel like the little Dutch boy with his finger caught in the dam. And I don't know how to get it out.
  

  • 12:11 AM
  • 96 Views
  • 8 eProps
  • 4 Comments