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Wednesday, 22 April 2009

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Wreck of the Day
By Anna Nalick
In The Rough
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Write a letter to my love...

Dear J,

What would you think if I hooked up with my ex-boyfriend like he and I have planned? Would you even care? Do you care now? I'd love to be able to just ask you these questions freely without feeling embarrassed, without being scared. I know I told you over dinner that I'm a virgin, but what if the next time you and I go to dinner, I'm not? Would that change your opinion of me? Or would you just accept that it was my decision and blow it off? Would things change between us?

Remember yesterday when you asked me what was wrong? I was thinking about this situation. You can always tell when I have a lot on my mind. You're so intuitive and I love it. I told you it wasn't something I could talk about though I would've liked to. I would love to talk to you about it. I would love to talk to you about anything. I feel like I can open up to you, but I'm still terrified. You say you're there if I need someone to talk to, you smile sweetly, and I'm a puddle on the floor. You stand behind me with your hands holding my waist or massaging my shoulders. God, I love your hands. They're always so warm. I love how we don't exactly hold hands; it's more like our hands brush and you grab one of my fingers for just a few seconds longer. Except for that one time; I'm sure you remember that. I wasn't trying to hold your hand; you initiated that, I just followed in suit. But there's nothing going on between us. We're just friends. Right?

So tell me, J, if I gave it up to my ex-boyfriend, would it bother you? I know you and I have talked about our most recent relationships. You know he was mine and it ended 2 years ago. But what you don't know about is the burning desire we physically have for each other. This flame needs to be doused now. See, my ex and I will hook up, sometime, somewhere, somehow. It's inevitable. Would you rather I do that now than screw up and hurt you in the future if we become closer?

Oh, I dream about that daily. I just let me imagination run wild. You and I walking around with our fingers intertwined, noticing nobody, not a care in the world, laughing at each other. Or just spending a Friday night curled up on the couch watching a movie or reading books, hardly speaking to the other person, but just basking in their presence. I haven't felt this good about somebody in a long time. It's quite nice, actually. I was very much in love with my ex-boyfriend, and he and I are still great friends, but you make me forget him entirely. How do you do that? Nobody else has ever been able to take him off my mind until now.

But that's it, J. That's what's on my mind. Perhaps I should print this up and hand it to you. Then disappear. Never face you again. I could never look you in the eyes, not that I can anyhow. I suppose I'll just wait until perhaps I catch a break.

Much love and longing,
A

Thursday, 16 April 2009

How do you define "talking"? (Guys' POV requested)

Anyone who has ever been in a relationship has gone through the "talking" phase. I always defined this as the pre-dating stage where you are simply getting to know the other person better and determining if you would be compatible. But lately, the definition seems to becoming a blur. A girl friend of mine is going through the same thing I went through two years ago. Her boyfriend broke up with her after a year but right now they are "talking" again. Talking? But if you dated the person for a year, why do you need to "talk" to them? Don't you know them enough already? My ex-boyfriend and I had known each other since elementary school, yet when we broke up, we also went through that "talking" stage again.

She and I were talking about this tonight and we are both confused as to what it really means. It seems like such high school vocabulary and we are nearing the end of our sophmore year in college. We don't want to play high school games anymore. The older I get, the more this "talking" doesn't mean "I want to get to know you before I date you." It sounds more like "I want to keep you dangling, I want to throw some bait out there just to keep you around, but I don't want a commitment yet, I still want to look around." Now, I know this stage does not mean you are committed to the other person, but nobody likes being led on.

Here are a couple of definitions courtesy of Urban Dictionary:
"When two people are not exclusive with each other nor have established what they are as a couple, but have some sort of relationship."

"Talking is when you like a person, and they like you too, but you are free to mess around with other people and not have guilt."

This is what a friend defined "talking" as:
"both people like each other but are not in an official dating relationship. when you are talking to someone, you would not go out on a date with someone else."

But this is a girl's definition. I would rather see it from a guy's point of view to better understand. Girls' opinions are also welcome. Please comment and let me know what you think.

Saturday, 07 March 2009

Scaredy-cat Update: Social Casualty

Open mouth; insert foot. Boy, do I do that a lot.

Like tonight for example. The guy I mentioned in my previous blog agreed to see a movie with me tonight when he got off work. I texted him telling him different movie times but I didn't hear back from him. I decided, in the mean time, to meet up with a girl friend of mine. We shared a lite meal, talked, as I waited to hear from him. 10:30 rolled around, then 11, then 11:30. I had already called him and left him one text message. By 11:15, I knew I wouldn't hear from him and I had wasted my time. I left the restaurant around 11:30 and just went driving around trying to clear my head. My girl friend and I began to text; she was appalled that he would blow me off so many times. She had thought he was a much different guy than that, to which I agreed.

Then she informed me that she sent him a text telling him to stop jerking me around and be straightforward. My mouth dropped; I didn't know what to think. I was instantly embarassed and it was only me in the car. Then I get a call from him. He had been waiting for me at the movie theater. He forgot his phone at his house. I was...dumbstruck. I stumbled through my words, probably sounding like a bumbling idiot. I think all I could really say was "oh shit...shit...I feel like an asshole." I asked if he read any of the text messages and he said he skimmed through them. One saying something about him being a jerk. I apologized for that and expected...I don't know what I expected. But I sure as hell did not expect him to simply reply "no, I understand she was just being a good friend." What the hell? He wasn't mad? He didn't search out some sort of clarity? Why?! Perhaps I secretly wanted him to get angry at me so I could find an excuse to get over him...

Anyhow, we agreed to go out after work tomorrow night (we are both working) and we said good night. I immediately called my friend. We both felt so terrible. Open mouth; insert foot. When I got off the phone with her, I started thinking, why wait until you see him face to face to tell him how you feel? It won't make anything easier. It took me about 10 minutes to push the send button to call him back. I stumbled through asking if he had a minute to talk before going to bed. Then I believe I said something along the lines of "have you noticed anything completely obvious about me?" He said no. That he is more oblivious than a lot of people think he is. I told him I wasn't sure if it was completely obvious to everyone or if I just thought it was because it was screaming at me. He was still quite confused by these statements so that's when I clarified.

"I...[insert long pause here]...I like you a whole lot more than I intended," I said.

Then I froze. I closed my eyes, but then quickly opened them because I remembered I was driving down the interstate. He said it was something he guessed but wasn't exactly sure. He continued saying something along the lines of he likes me (the "like" was never clarified) but he is taking things extremely slow right now. He was in a relationship for a year and a half and it has not yet been over for a year. He continued to tell me about some issues he is having with his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend. I tripped and stumbled over my words as I told him I completely concur with taking things slow. I mentioned how I did whatever I possibly could to keep my ex-boyfriend but that it was all in vain and in the end, I feel like a fool. I even mentioned how terrified I was of the idea. I said that he has no idea how much it scares me. He said that he does have a very good idea.

In the end, this won't go anywhere any time soon and I don't know whether to be upset or relieved. I feel like I'm a winner at a losing game. I know it's rather cliche to quote a Rascal Flatts song but it's a good line.

When I hung up, I didn't know whether I should cry or be angry. I eventually got angry. I beat on the steering wheel, screamed obscenties at the windshield. I started thinking about my ex and how everything, ever decision I have made since he and I broke up, he has influenced somehow. "What would he do? How would he handle this? Would he want me to do that? What would he think of me?" That's when I got angry. His best friend and I discussed our previous relationship a couple of days ago. She believes that he treated me like shit. I have never wanted to think that. I always blamed myself. I have blamed myself for many things. I will find some way for it to be my fault. I have never wanted to be one of those people who blamed everyone else for their problems, so I never learned where the blame really lies. I just blamed myself. Maybe this time the blame does not rely in me. Perhaps I have been wrongfully blaming myself for the failure of my last relationship.

I am tired of him being inside of my head. I want to be able to think for myself. I want to go places without see his face, without reliving a memory, without thinking about him. I want to own my own mind again. I want to regain control of what is mine. I am no longer in love with him so what am I holding onto? Am I afraid that I cannot stand alone without him?

I will. Watch me. I'm tired of hiding in the shadows, being afraid of my own feelings, being afraid to let someone else see me. I'm tired of running away from the memories. It is time to take back what is mine.

Sunday, 01 March 2009

My Brother, The Pedophile

I need a bit of clarification. What is it with older guys dating minors? Do they like the idea of fresh, tender meat? The idea of ripping out innocence and introducing them to a world of broken dreams and empty hopes? Let me explain.

Two years ago, my older brother, who was 19 at the time, began dating one of my very good girl friends, who was 16. At first, I didn't mind the idea at all. But then I noticed how controlling he became and how one little comment could turn him into a monster. He had the upper hand. She was a very insecure girl; her parents frequently told her how worthless she was. My brother was her security blanket. After several months, her parents decided they didn't want my brother dating their daughter, or even talking to her. They continued to communicate through the internet until her dad hacked into her emails and AIM accounts and changed her passwords. (Her dad had some psychotic tendencies.) So they decided to go the old fashioned way: love notes. They used her younger brothers as carriers. My friend bribed them into not saying anything to her parents. A note was intercepted at one point. My mother was so disgusted by it she couldn't even finish reading it. My friend's dad was furious. My brother was once again forbidden from speaking to her. Nothing stopped them.

One night when my brother was "out with friends," my grandpa received a phone call that a Blazer registered in his name had been parked outside of a house in a neighborhood for hours for the passed couple of nights. My brother's Blazer. My grandpa called my parents to ask if they knew where my brother was. They did not. My parents tried calling my brother numerous times and left several voicemails. We found out the house his car was parked in front of belonged to his girlfriend's neighbors. After that night, everything came unraveled.

If the law didn't state that if a minor is at the age of consent (16 years of age) and the partner is less than 4 years older, the partner cannot be tried for statutory rape. To make matters worse, she was worried about being pregnant. So for about six months while he was screwing his girlfriend and screwing himself, life in my house was hell. My brother doesn't listen to anybody. He does whatever the hell he wants. He is a selfish bastard. So many nights I shut myself up in my room with my headphones on because I didn't want to hear the yelling and fighting. I put my two cents in plenty of times but that only made things worse. But I didn't care. He had ruined not just his life but he also killed the relationship that I had with his girlfriend. Her parents forbade her to speak to even me, as if I were some sort of accomplice. Eventually, my parents decided to send him to live in Indiana with some of our family.

Well, that was back in early 2007. He returned home in May. It is now March of 2009 and I do believe history is about to repeat itself. And she is younger.

He is now 21 years old. And his new girlfriend is 15 years old. That's 6 years! Nobody, nobody, nobody approves of this relationship. She has been warned by several people about him and still she "loves" him. Now, I understand that holding someone's past over their head is wrong, but if I truly believed he has changed since then, I would not have as big of a problem. But I know he has not changed at all. Her mom is fine with them dating but I'm not sure if she knows his reputation. Her dad knows the story and does not approve. Her older brother does not approve. She is not allowed to even be in a car alone with him.

HOWEVER, apparently they have been finding ways to see each other...like on days when she stays home "sick" from school. I don't want to know what goes on there. But I want to tail him one day, then call her mom or dad from a private/restricted/unknown number and tell them. I deleted him from my facebook and myspace. Though we live in the same house still, we hardly speak. I have nothing to say to him. I want to throw a large, heavy object at his head, screaming obscenities hoping to knock some sense into him. I do not want to go through this again.

He has a way of making these young girls believe that they can't live without him, manipulating them into believing it's love. He tells her that even though "the odds are against them, their love will see them through." And "there's a light at the end of the tunnel" and "true love can endure all things." It's not cute; it's sick. I am completely and utterly grossed out by it all. I'm sure he's proud of his girlfriend who just got her driver's permit. At least he's been driving for 5 years, he can be the adult she drives with. Too bad she's not old enough to get into rated R movies, much less into the clubs he likes to go to. I do believe the club is where he met the last girl whose virginity he took. Ugh!!

Perhaps I should take a happy pill and talk to a shrink.

Thursday, 26 February 2009

Scaredy-cat

For the past year and a half or so, I have been single. I was okay with it for the most part; I was getting over my previous relationship and learning to accept the fact that it was over, which, let me tell you, was not easy at all. Many of you know that getting over your first love doesn't just happen over night. I turned myself into this cold, apathetic, and slightly bitchy female to help myself heal. I was very anti-relationship, feminist, sexist, whatever. When I realized I was finally over it, I decided I wanted to be more feeling and caring. I wanted to be the empathetic person I used to be. I wanted to be able to feel again. I believed I had been single long enough that if I got into a relationship or stayed single I would still be happy. Yet, I did not search out an SO.

Then I met someone. He was hired at my place of employment. When I first met him, I thought he was very attractive, but thought nothing of him at all. I automatically assumed he was just another guy. In fact, I didn't go out of my way to get to know him or flirt with him (I'm a very flirty person) or even strike up conversation with him. But as it usually happens when you work at a small location, you begin to get to know those in your environment. He and I began to have casual conversations, help each other out around the workplace and whatnot. Then something happened. Our first real conversation together was more than just talking about the weather or sharing a funny story or talking about the latest movie in theaters. Our first real conversation was somewhat intellectual. Granted, we weren't discussing any Freudian theories; we were just discussing what we wanted to do with our lives, what we were studying in college, what kind of books we liked to read. I learned that this guy was actually quite intelligent. He hit the red zone on my hotness radar. I already found him to be extremely physically attractive with his unruly dark hair and mesmerizing blue eyes. But here is a guy who is not afraid to admit that he is a bookworm. And the more conversations we had, the more we found we had in common.

That's where my dilemma begins. I have found myself falling for this guy that I have barely known for two months. Now, falling in love (if this is love) is not a bad thing, but I have realized how utterly terrified I am of the idea. It is almost unthinkable. Every time I see him, my stomach flutters and my heart rate quickens. My hands get cold and clammy and I become much more clumsy than I already am. I can't tell how he feels about me. I have never been good at picking up "signals" from people. I don't take "subtle hints." I need the truth right in front of my face.

Here are a few examples of how he acts towards me:
Whenever he sees me, he comes to me (whether going out of his way or not) and gives me a hug. (I know, a lot of people hug)
A time or two, he has walked up behind me and grabbed my waist before "casually" wrapping his arms around me.
I catch him watching me but he quickly looks away when I meet his gaze.
Occasionally when we pass one another, his hand brushes gently against mine. (That could be mere coincidence)
He won't leave the workplace without telling me goodbye and giving me a hug (which is generally much longer than the greeting hug)

A girl friend of mine who has actually known him much longer than I have told me I would be crazy not to date him if given the opportunity. I can see that for myself. But he has said nothing and I feel as though I've given him opportunity to say something. Or perhaps he's waiting for me. The other night at work, we were sitting at a table talking. Now, I have the hardest time looking into his blue eyes for very long because I have a weakness for beautiful eyes and I don't want to become vulnerable. He was telling him how exhausted he was feeling and put his head down for a moment. I just stared at him, not quite sure what to say or even what I was thinking. When he looked up, he caught that gaze and held it, and I could feel so much in one moment that it was overwhelming. He saw something behind my eyes. He asked me what the look was for. I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. I quickly reverted to staring out the window into the night, saying that it was nothing. Just like a scene from the silver screen, he reached over and, with one finger touching my nose, turned my face back towards his and told me I was lying.

"I'm a good liar so I can tell when someone else is lying," he said.
"I only lie when it's absolutely necessary," I replied.

That was one of those moments. And he had me in the palm of his hand. I was about to spill my feelings when my boss walked over and asked to speak to me. That killed it. He walked me to my car later that night but he never brought it up and neither did I. I'm terrified. I want him to make the first move; I want him to say something first. I don't have the courage. I'm so afraid that he will also tell me 'no, we're just friends.' I put my heart and my feelings on a shelf after my last relationship ended. I was in love with my ex-boyfriend and I fought to keep him, but he rejected me. It killed my ego and my courage. Now I feel like the little Dutch boy with his finger caught in the dam. And I don't know how to get it out.